Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this piece are the author’s and do not necessarily represent the position of Positive Women’s Network – USA.


May 20, 2020

by Angel Stetson

I know there are many lives lost and so many more fighting for their lives as I write this with care.

This is my perspective and what I experienced during this quarantine.

At first, I was scared. I thought I was becoming stressed and depressed only to realize after a month alone that for me this is a blessing. I am forced to be alone with myself. I have been able to find things I enjoy which I forgot or just didn’t have the recollection of the enjoyment I receive through such activities.

I usually have to go to mom’s house to find my self and recalibrate. Now, with no choice except to quarantine myself to protect myself and others at risk, I found that I am not so bad to be with.

I still talk too much. I have loads of energy, yet no one sees me in a complete panic when I am out in public, because I am not. I don’t miss the chaos or verbal and physical abuse. I don’t miss it taking days to be able to talk to my sister because I went shopping two days prior, and I am still trying to calm down from the experiences I face daily being out.

I have had COVID-19 so close; as a matter of fact, I don’t know if Rich made it. It’s so hard for me to see. My own family member was really ill, and we were scared. That person has since recovered. Thank you, Jesus!

Even with all that going on, I am in a place to get to know me as I am locked in my home and relearning my likes and dislikes. I am more conscious, and I am in control. I lost control somewhere around age three and have never been comfortable again. When people stress me, I lash out.

I find I can breathe pretty well. I can make decisions I don’t regret. For me, this virus has made me slow down and listen to that inner voice. I really needed this break to recover from the last four years of deaths and overdoses, murders, and missing people’s love.

I was in a pickle realizing rehab was not for me. As I mentioned, anger came easily when another pokes this bear. I’m living with HIV and lupus, and people are insanely inappropriate, not to mention mean. When I sought help, they seemed to always focus on my HIV status. We know it is treatable, yet so much ignorance around it from stigma causes me to focus on educating others and not the real issues I want to confront.

There is a joke I like to use: I am related to AT&T as I will reach out and touch you. Not funny, however; I have been to the clink more times than I’d like to mention over being violent. It stems from the trauma. I ask once, the second time, I say please, then well I used to haul off and smack you.

Today, not only am I under control during this alone time, I am beginning to understand why I cannot do that. Also, I’m understanding how I came to be that person.

This virus sucks. We all have to do our part, the same as living HIV positive–it’s a community responsibility as well as a personal one.

I send my sincere thoughts to all, loaded with hope, courage, and especially healing. I’m not making light of the situation. I bet I’m not the only one who has experienced so much hurt, trauma and belittling that is grateful everyone has to leave me be.

These are just my thoughts that I wanted to share. I’m grateful to be alive and healthy, even with the chronic illnesses I already have. Thank you for reading. I’d love to hear your comments.