Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this piece are the author’s and do not necessarily represent the position of Positive Women’s Network – USA. 
September 19, 2019
by Brooke Davidoff
Did you know you can get PTSD from a disease diagnosis like HIV? When I heard those words “you are HIV-positive” spoken from my OB GYN, I thought my life ended there. I was not emotionally able to process this information. I’m sure the pregnancy hormones did not help.
Within weeks of my wedding I found out I was pregnant. Less than two months later in January 2010, I was diagnosed with AIDS. My CD4 count was 36. My first HIV doctor informed me I would not die from this. He said, “‘most HIV patients today die from cancer.” I’m not sure if that was to soften the blow or a way to throw my new reality into my face by a man who had no compassion left for his patients. Clearly this additional information was a lot to take in.
Trauma is invisible for those standing outside the noise; however, when you’re inside, it’s so loud that it’s deafening. There is no escape. The fear controls your decisions. You stop reacting and bury your emotions inside. Some life events are never gotten over. We simply learn coping skills and move on. I had undiagnosed PTSD years before my son was born. He just turned nine.
Here I am, 10 years after this conversation that was forever chiseled into my memory. My HIV will lead to cancer. What a bright shiny future to look forward to.
“Almost one-third of women living with HIV suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is five times the rate among women in general,” according to thewellproject.com
I knew I needed to get out of bed. I had to go to work and to doctor appointments and live. I became numb. The trauma began to overpower my ability to take care of myself physically. I had to remind myself to eat. I would tell myself there was a baby inside of me who needed me to take care of us.
The stress of trauma is outrageous. I am surprised that neither my OBG/YN at the time nor any HIV support place I was going to suggest I see a therapist. Mental health is ignored in our society, and it is time we address this issue honestly.
I write to cope with life, and it reduces my stress and internal chaos. I have been writing since 1992. It began with poetry and has since turned into blogs and a book. This was not an ideal way to begin my marriage. When I was diagnosed, I thought I was dying, but I was not. I left my afterhours diagnosis meeting on a cold wet dark winter evening in Seattle, no doubt I was in shock.
“Emotional responses to trauma can be so overwhelming, and women who have lived through trauma sometimes regard having emotions as unsafe. This can lead them to have trouble knowing or talking about what they feel, becoming easily overwhelmed by feelings, feeling angry at themselves when they have feelings, feeling numb, or feeling angry at others when they feel vulnerable,” according to The Well Project. Not being aware of or able to express feelings can negatively impact women’s abilities to make good decisions, act effectively, and have healthy relationships with others. Trying to talk to my husband after this series of events would have been different had he been sober or emotionally supportive. However; he is an addict and my needs or emotional turmoil was never on his mind.
Years later when taking care of my father in law while he underwent chemo and a stem cell transplant at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, I learned he was assigned a social worker and a therapist. This was just part of his routine cancer care, which included having someone who realized all of him needed to be well in order to beat cancer. Falling apart emotionally affects your physical health. Being afraid of your own diagnosis does no one any good.
As the years passed, I watched my HIV-negative friends and family members being diagnosed with cancer. It feels like everyone is battling a different kind these days, and I know it’s coming for me. PTSD put me in a numb fog. I watched my life pass by for years. Fear controlled a lot of my decisions. Today, CBD helps me cope with stress, anxiety, fear and paranoia. It makes the fog go away. With it I am more confident, organized, and creative like I used to be in the old days, rather than silent and numb. I even pay more attention to my own self-care.
Some symptoms of PTSD are efforts to avoid certain thoughts, avoiding activities, poor memory, feeling detached, flashbacks, trouble sleeping, irritability, outbursts of anger, hypervigilance, trouble concentrating, or having an exaggerated startle response to name a few. If you have any of these please talk to your doctor and ask for help. According to multiple studies and evidence, both cannabis and CBD provide significant relief to many common PTSD symptoms. Mental health is as important as physical health, and speaking up for yourself is a sign of strength not weakness.