Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this piece are the author’s and do not necessarily represent the position of Positive Women’s Network – USA.

by Brooke Davidoff

February 4, 2019


Knives, are they out to get me? Do metal cans and shards of broken glass stalk me around the kitchen like I’m in a horror movie? Barefoot walks on the beach are no longer appealing. Yes, I am grown up; however, after being married to someone who was afraid of me for years due to my status, I am mentally bombarded with irrational HIV fears. I realize no one will step on the same broken shattered glass on the beach and walk away becoming my HIV blood brother or sister. I worked in a bakery in Texas for almost a year, I cut my finger there, the media was not called, nor was the town evacuated.

My soon to be ex-husband was in the room within minutes of my diagnosis, he never got over the fear of my HIV or me. I did years of research on the disease, he went to countless Dr appointments with me asking questions of his own. We both heard many times if I was on meds and undetectable, I could not pass the disease to him. He was told he could go on prep, for him that was never an option. It was one of the many reasons our relationship died. He was afraid of me.

Eventually I will have to conquer my own fear of being HIV positive in the dating world. I was relieved not to have to bring up my status on dates like my POS sisters talked about. How and when should disclosure make its way into the open with a potential boyfriend? Whenever I land in the world of dating, mine status will be known before date one happens. Why bother getting involved with someone who doesn’t know, someone else it might scare away? I waited for my husband to get over this fear for over seven years.

Ignorance is easy and it’s everywhere. Research brings knowledge which is best friends with understanding; however, those take brain power and effort. Diseases are scary, it’s true. They force us think about our own mortality and how we are closer to death than we like to believe. I lived with cancer in my house for months with my father-in-law. I stared it down face to face watching him battle it daily. I saw inner strength and his refusal to roll over, give up and die. I watched him beat stage four Mantle Cell Lymphoma only a few years ago. He became my inspiration; we battled diseases together, knowing in the end we were fighting for the same thing: to watch our sons’ and his grandson grow up. We wanted to continue eating foods that are horrible for us, but taste fantastic. We both want to make positive impacts on other people.

When people hear you have a disease, first they feel sorry for you; then some are afraid to have anything to do with you. They are afraid to watch you get sick, because they are afraid to die. You push death too close for comfort; they simply cannot handle it.

I will not waste my time on a relationship like that again because I am not a cactus. I deserve to be loved. Death is coming for us all in our own time. An earthquake could take out a huge chunk of California, I could die next week; my status would have nothing to do with that. With my medication I am undetectable. My ex of 10 years who never used a condom with me, is negative. His fear of getting IT from me was irrational. The next man in my life will have to get over that when his time comes.  I would rather be alone forever than awkwardly together any day.

I will continue to fear sharp objects like some people may fear me. A knife will not kill me while I cut vegetables, and I know I will not kill who ever I have sex with next. Some irrational fears do not always fade away with time. HIV will always be something I cannot get rid of.

My ex did not kill my spirit, my drive or my desire to better myself. In fact leaving him did the opposite. I am now a full-time college student majoring in Social Work to be a Woman’s HIV Peer Advocate. I know not everyone will be afraid of me and my HIV like he was. One day a man will love and treat me better.

Though diagnosed with AIDS on January 8, 2010 while two months married and eleven weeks pregnant, today Brooke is back in so Cal going to college full time majoring in Human Services/Social Work to be a Women’s HIV Peer Advocate.