Hunted

“I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” 

–Mary Lou Hamer

These are the nine words of Mary Lou Hamer’s quote which originally brought me to advocacy. Today, May 22, 2020, one year and 21 days since I lost my good health with a necessary “stent” implant, I find myself grieving the loss of my good health and ‘sheltered in’ (per governors orders ) 81 days now fighting with that committee in my head that wants me to self-sabotage anything good in my life, so I can get some ‘pity comfort’ because I’m feeling overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, uncertainty, not being enough, food insecurity, and shamefully lonesome from being ‘sheltered in’, just when I thought it was safe to step out socially.

I  got ‘trumped up’ by Trump’s derelict of duty which has caused the novel coronavirus to take once again too many people of color lives in a disproportionate and suspicious manner which now stands at 100,000 plus due to preexisting social disparities, which I’m sick and tired of living with. My moral outrage is not enough any longer to calm the attack on my dignity as a trans woman daily in this current administration.

In an article in the New York Times, dated May 24th, 2019, titled: “Trump’s Administration Proposes Rollback of Transgender Protection,” penned by, Abby Goodnough, Erica L. Green, Margot Sanger-katz: 

“May 24th, Trump administration formally proposed on Friday to roll back Obama-era civil rights safeguards that had banned discrimination against Transgender medical patients and health insurance customers. The department of Health and Human Services proposed regulation would replace a 2016 rule from the Obama administration that defines discrimination, “on the basis of sex to include gender identity.” The Trump administration would no longer recognize gender identity as an avenue for sex discrimination.

Without the Obama-era language, health care workers would be free to object to performing procedures like gender affirming surgery, and insurers would not be bound to cover all services for transgender customers. The new rule would fit into a broader agenda pushed by religious activists and is consistent with the admin’s ration actions to limit civil rights protection for gay and transgender Americans in a variety of domains, including education, employment, and housing.”

When I finished reading the article, my heart sank so deep I thought it had stopped. The heaviness once again brought on fear, then I felt threatened deeply in my stomach. I felt again that hunted feeling invading my momentary peace and serenity. “I must be who the good Lord made me to be.” I say to the Evangelicals, who are behind this campaign, you must realize one can’t change God’s mind. She or he, I suspect God, doesn’t need their help in directing his or her business. What I read in the Bible (Basis Instruction Before Leaving Earth) is about transformation, embracing change and diversity among the people to spread love NOT hate. I often wonder why the color of skin is a negative issue with so many people? It’s always there that ‘lesson’ they told me years ago: ‘be ready and prepared to be stopped by police while driving ‘Black’”. And once again I’m hunted…

I believe the real Christian message for the world is to help each alone on this journey NOT to create disparities that limit ones ability to help each other. My voice MUST be heard; I have been around 69 years to  be heard, “I want peace and freedom from fear.” Let me say now this is NOT a pity party, what it is is an assessment of my life and what is happening to me based on decisions  I have made and is making to survive in a world that wants to eliminate this beautiful soul which has so much to offer the world.  

Remember the old adage: “A business that does not take a regular inventory is surely on the road to failure.” We must take time to reflect on the information coming at us daily to access on how that information might affect us on a daily basis. Please do not believe the old argument “oh, that stuff doesn’t affect me,” because it does and it might affect your children as well as generations to come as we are currently living and experiencing. As Mary Lou Hamer wrote years ago on her journey, “we can no longer ignore the fact America is not ….the land of the free and of the brave.” But I say to you when opportunity does exist with an adverse situation, I say look for the opportunity which always exist in such situation. This coronavirus mess is holding a mirror up to America reflecting all the social disparities people of color have had to live with far too long. We MUST seize the moment while the attention is in our direction to get our voices heard and action must be taken to end a generation of “NOT ENOUGH”.

When I realize I have been putting and shutting up for 69 years, I quickly realized I do have a blessing: “I’m still here.” By all accounts, according to the social data, I should have died at about 35 years old. Sometimes I can’t help to wonder whether my gender transformation actually saved my life from being shot by a mentally ill, overworked police officer. But since I got boobs, the attention of most officers are my boobs rather the color of my skin, so an officer hit on me in a traffic stop… and again I FEEL hunted…  

This to me is the new ‘Jim Crow” and ‘apartheid,’ which Americans have yet to talk about its part in’Apartheid’.

Mary Lou Hamer said, “don’t be discouraged; start where you are if you are sick and tired, do what you can, with what you have, with where you are.” So, I’m starting with myself today writing this article of reflection and I hope some inspiration to encourage others to take stock, “You still here, right? OK, then how did you manage to be present today?” There are lots of folks who have us women believe we don’t have power. Oh baby we do…Work with the fear, embrace change–it is real; and always, redirect your anger into something physical and positive you will feel empowered producing.

Here is example of what I’m talking about. When Jeff Crowley, Obama’s HIV/AIDS czar, was touring the country on a town hall, 60 city stops to collect data to organize the ‘White House ‘Women and HIV Meeting” in Washington D.C., I was working at Howard Brown as a facilitator for the “Aging as We Are” program set up to address the needs of seniors in nursing homes, housing, isolation, and other issues that come with aging. I put out some feelers to get myself invited to the town hall meeting with Jeff Crowley… I had a plan, so I made sure I had a card with my contact information ready when I did meet Mr. Crowley. After the meeting there was a meet and greet I was one of the first in line… I had a mission to get my contact information in his hand. I also gave a testimonial about the urgent need of quality health care for transgender women. I was pleased and surprised when Mr. Crowley made a direct response and came to my testimonial. So, when he saw me on line he asked me to step forward to talk with him. Mr. Crowley mentioned the upcoming meeting to me, and my response was, “I sure hope you have some transgender females present at this meeting.” He smiled and asked for my contact information and doublechecked the information, which caught my attention.

A few weeks passed and then one a colleague at work was checking my e-mails  and spotted something from the “White House” addressed to me marked Urgent! Of course we thought it was a prank or a come on for an advertisement. But there was a number to call, so we called, and yes, it was the White House office. I was informed I would be ‘vetted’ and asked if there was in anything in my past I wanted to tell them before they started their vetting. I said no… go ahead. The person on the phone mentioned the vetting would take two days and I would be hearing from them. I was breathless when I did hear I had been cleared to attend a meeting at the White House. I had two days to get it together, a plane ticket, taxi fare to and from airport, hotel accommodations, OH, my God my hair, what to wear? I knew I was doing the right thing that could possibly help millions so I leaned in on my faith and gratitude and the sky opened for me…my friend, lessor, payee, offered to pay for the the trip, plane fare, hotel, taxi fare, food, thank God–because when she so generously offered to support me in my advocacy financially, I was beyond grateful, because I only had $35 to my name to last for the next week and a half till pay day…Faith, when you are certain you are doing the next right thing. Suddenly, it was no longer a me plan; when my friend offered her support, it became a we plan. 

I went to my supervisor at Howard Brown to seek guidance on how to conduct myself at the meeting and ask if the proposals I was planning to present where OK? We drew up a ‘need service list’ for transgender health care to hand out at the meeting to the other participants from around the country. Now my plan has become a mutual benefit association event between two working advocates. I was prepared to present my case with take away information.

When I returned to Chicago I didn’t even realize I was the first trans woman of color to be invited to the White House for a meeting. And to top off this great advocacy journey, I was asked by IL ASAP, IL Alliance for Sound AIDS Policy, which I was a member–a group of statewide policy and advocacy leaders picked to increase community involvement in HIV/AIDS activities and fight for fair policies for those living with and at risk for HIV and AIDS–to share my story in the “Windy City Times” newspaper. And, it all came about because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of not being enough and not having enough. I stepped up faced my fear, hell I danced with it, I developed a plan, reached out for help, and guidance and most important I believed, I gave myself permission to believe in me, Helena B.

I’m not bragging; I simply shared this story to point out that we must start where we are: Do what we can, with what we have, with where we are. And then I stepped up with my voice, passion, and concerns for millions of others without comprehensive health care. We can no longer depend and lend on leaders to speak our truth. There is NO peace in self when your turn YOUR power over to a leader who does not understand YOUR TRUTH. 

What I’m currently reading in the press is the top guy, ‘Tweety’ (I can’t even say his name) saying and I quote in a national press conference for coronavirus, is “we will be helping some of the people” or how about this one, “some people will just have to die in this pandemic.” These statements documented on air should be a major wake up call for us to jump into action. We must get to know our neighbors. There is power in numbers; also a mutual association which can serve to help us all get to know each other more closely like a village rather than a party that divides us. We must unite and vote for those who speak OUR TRUTH, not politics, which seems only to divide these days. Do you want power; the ability to start or stop an action believe it or not you have power it’s in your informed VOTE… let’s do it, America desires better and we certainly desire better and can do BETTER. ….