October 20, 2017 By Thandi
I have been living with HIV for two years and remember the thoughts I had the first day I was diagnosed like it was yesterday. I was filled with so much fear, shame, anxiety and anger. Something that I never expected would ever happen to me actually happened. I wondered about how I was going to tell my family? How I would ever have a family of my own? Who would want a family with me now? How would this affect my work in the medical field and what would my future look like?
Little did I know that this was simply the beginning of a new journey of self-discovery and strength. Currently, I am a recovering alcoholic. I have to mention this because it is a part of my story and is the reason why I failed to protect myself. I was reckless, careless and irresponsible about the places, people and things I surrounded myself with. This pattern of behavior exposed me to interpersonal violence. I was in a relationship for two years, well before I was diagnosed with HIV, with a man who was emotionally and physically abusive.
At first the abuse was subtle verbal comments, with condescending remarks, controlling and jealous behavior. As the relationship went on, I found myself isolated from friends, and family relying solely on him for companionship. This took an emotional toll on me, to the point where I was depressed and ashamed of who I was; I never thought I could feel so low. I finally decided to leave when an augment ended in a physical altercation in which my head was knocked against the car dashboard. Although, I left that man years ago, I still deal with the emotional wounds I have developed from that particular relationship. Shame is no stranger to me, the HIV diagnosis just added more weight to it and the way I cope with this is through honest self-evaluation.
For example, dating as a single woman living with HIV has brought its own set of challenges, but one of particular concern on my first day of diagnosis was disclosure. Everyone has their own method concerning disclosure. Mine– especially when dating–is the answer to one question, “Do they deserve to know?” Asking this question to myself honestly allows me to evaluate how I feel in the relationship, something I never did before. I never really took the time to ask myself important questions like do I feel safe, heard or respected in a relationship? Now I do, and it feels so empowering.
Honest self-evaluation has allowed me to see my part in poor decisions I have made that led me into an abusive relationship. But it has also allowed me to see that I was a victim and I was totally powerless over the behavior of someone else, no matter how badly I wanted them to change. I also have learned that contrary to what I believed, I am not alone. I wish I had taken the time to reach out for support when things really were bad for me, but pride, shame and stigma kept me from doing so. My hope is that if someone finds themselves confronted with interpersonal violence, that they reach out for help. Suffering in silence is a bitch – no human being deserves that torture. There are plenty of organizations that support individuals facing interpersonal violence; here are a few:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 http://www.thehotline.org
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence http://www.cpedv.org/domestic-violence-organizations-california
Coalition Against Domestic Violence https://ncadv.org
Monday, Oct. 23, 2017, at 1 PM EDT/10 AM PDT, on PWN-USA’s National Day of Action to End Violence Against Women Living with HIV, we will be having a live online conversation with survivors of intimate partner violence living with HIV. I hope you can join us! Register at bit.ly/pwncares1.
