by: Medusa
June 25, 2021
How does one work so hard in life only to become nothing? Not NOTHING by choice but nothing by each hardship and unnecessary test from God. For much of my life, I had no belief in God and often mocked the ladies in church for dancing like possessed fools but calling it the Holy Ghost. It was not until an unexpected roadblock forced me into submission to God. But wait let me back up a bit.
Before this unexpected event in my life, I was happy and content with the way things were going. I was having a great college career, involved in many organizations, and was just accepted to graduate school. Oh yay, the joy! Did you catch the sarcasm? Well, anywho, I worked the production of the Vagina Monologues for years and loved it; as well as volunteering for Planned Parenthood. Yes, I was the condom lady, lol! I used to go out to local bars on the weekends and hand out safer sex packets and kept a bucket of condoms in my dorm.
Yep, college life was fantastic until boom, lights out! God decided he wanted to laugh at my struggles and pain for a while and handed me a burden that has derailed my entire life. I literally was blind by 21! No explanation and no warning, just boom, lights out! Well, there was a small warning, but the eye doctor just said, “Oh, it’s a floater, and it’ll pass.” BS! It got way worse and seemed to murder my goals in life. I struggled to maintain and regain some sense of normalcy. Crying myself to sleep and being so angry during the day that people were afraid to be around me was becoming the norm.
I tried so many times to overdose and end it all that I now feel like my body has gained resistance to pills. Diagnosed with Bipolar and intermittent explosive disorder, I was placed on drugs to help level me out; however, I was a victim of circumstance! No one was going to tell me that my emotions were not valid! That I did not have a right to feel how I felt! God hated me and I did not know why but yet after years of wandering aimlessly, I submitted. I chose to follow the word of God and face my demons head-on.
Things were looking up for me finally! I relocated and found a job in my field that I really enjoyed. I was cleaning myself up, changing my diet, removing alcohol and cigarettes from the menu. I was focused and more determined than ever to get back on track. Then when I least expected, God sent me a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This man was so clever and manipulative that it sickens me to even think that I gave him the time of day. He was so sweet that I should have realized how rotten he really was. But being the woman that I am, I was stupid and gave into lies as if they were truths and married this loser!
Not even two years into the marriage, I found out he was cheating with every nasty female that would give him the time of day. I would be working multiple jobs while he had sex and did molly like every day was a party! Oh yeah, did I mention he quit his jobs right after we got married and has not held a job since? It is crazy! I thought that God and I had an understanding now but instead, he sent me another test within this idiot I married. I stopped my antidepressants prior to meeting the snake, so you can only imagine how bad my mental health was declining after learning of his infidelities.
But I took him back like an idiot, and it was not because of love. It was pity at this point. I pitied him and knowing that without me, he would be homeless and strung out on drugs somewhere, so I bit the bullet. I should have bitten the actual bullet and left his ass where I found him because not even a year later, I received a voicemail. “Mrs. Medusa, it is imperative that you contact our office immediately!” For years now, I’ve been getting bloodwork done, and never had I received a message afterward. And the wording she chose, “imperative” Imperative?!? Imperative, I screamed at the top of my lungs! I broke down and cried hysterically as I prayed to God not to give me another test! Begged him not to hurt me again but he did not listen.
HIV! HIV, but I was the safer sex lady? I carried condoms on me like they were bubble gum and now, HIV? How? I tried to do everything right. I did not have children out of wedlock; I got married; I placed my trust and faith in God, and how am I rewarded, with HIV! The doctors all sounded like the adults on Charlie Brown, and I began to have panic attacks. I cried so much in the first year that I thought I had no more tears left in me. Where do I go from here God? Do you even love me? Where is the lesson in all of this? Was there even a lesson or were you just needing a good laugh?
I had full mental breakdowns, suicide attempts, medication changes, ideations that would make even the devil cringe, and for what? But you know me better than that God, no matter what you throw at me, I will triumph over the hardship and become stronger as I continue to pursue happiness again.